This website is not for humans. It's for gorillas, orang utans, chimpanzees and monkeys only, so it comes under Tarzan's Law. If you have any little monkeys or big gorillas at home, stay here and learn while you laugh at comedy and comedy songs, and even nothing at all!

 

Learn to laugh away your pain, ache, discomfort, cramps, stress, tension, sag, tiredness and fatigue and boost your energy with boosted breathing, which is laughing with specific sounds. You can do this for you and your family at home, for FREE, for the rest of your life.

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This website is politically incorrect. My father taught me to laugh at anything. He was in concentration camp during World War II. He went up the Burmese railroad and was partially responsible for building a bridge over the River Kwai, on a handful of rice a day. 300,000 men went up, 50,000 came back. When he received beatings from the Japanese soldiers he took off his glasses and laughed. 

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He taught me how to laugh at adversity. My sister threatened to kill me hundreds of times. She tried to kill me at least three times. She stabbed me in my right eye and beat me up until I was 15 years old and strong enough and big enough to beat her back. Then she stopped, until I got too close to her when I was 41 years old and she punched me in the jaw. 

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Because of my blind spot on my right side I have stubbed my toe often in my life. Cursing and swearing didn't help the pain. Amazingly, I discovered that laughing does. So first I burst out laughing.

 

Then, when I have calmed down a little, I pray for "immediate pain relief", and go on laughing with my tongue in the Pain Relief Tongue Position and on the sound of "air". It works immediately.

 

Then I use one of the Sustaining Techniques to recover over the next few minutes, few hours or few days. I don't need to stay in a state of distress, and laughing busts me out of it. 

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This works for emotional, mental and motivational distress too. So stop taking offence at politically incorrect jokes. Laugh at them and free yourself from your own, related distress. Laughing takes your power back and frees you from the grip of your ego.

 

This fantasy website contains jokes guaranteed to offend the Thought Police, the Freedom of Speech Police. It contains jokes that you have heard before but forgot to write down. All sorts of institutions - like family, religion and royalty, women and men, cricket and football and even prudes and the poor downers who take themselves seriously and love to control others - get a serve. There's nothing sick or gross, just funny, rude and politically incorrect jokes to make you FREE in your diaphragm and, therefore, all of your muscles.

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Some of the kids say that gorillas are fat, ugly slobs with a face like a sheep's butt. I tell them gorillas are NOT fat!

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Some of the kids say that monkeys are hyperactive smartarses. I tell them that a smartarse is someone who can sit on an ice cream and tell you its flavour, so I guess that's true of me , Cheeky Monkey, because I have designed over 70 ice creams and sat on and rated their flavours. See my page called Laughing Monkey Ice Creams - press the BANANA  button now. 

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We tried to re-engineer the poor humans by giving them quackcines with monkey genes, but that experiment failed. They did not grow more hair! Nevertheless they serve as willing subjects for experiments, photos and videos, because of their hirsute deficiency (embarrassing). 

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This website is a work of fiction. Like the Christian Holy Bible, which has parables, songs, poems, stories and hyperbole, this website has stories, songs, poems and hyperbole. Like the Christian Holy Bible, it also contains wisdom and truth. Let those who have ears, hear.

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Just as the Christian Holy Bible is fictional, so is this website. You see, my pastor – Scott – read to me from the King James version of the Bible, while I read a modern translation of the New Testament from the Aramaic. The words were very different – although the overall message was the same.

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Scott told me that the Bible contains stories (parables), songs, poems and hyperbole. As a songwriter I know that you have to fit words that approximate the truth into the lines and metre of the song or poem, and as an advertiser for my seminars I know that you have to fit words into the format and length of the advertisement. It’s about timing and space.

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As well, the Bible says that Jesus Christ walked on water. My computer tutor, who believes in God – a Higher Power – but not all the stuff that goes with it, believes that there could have been a sandbank keeping the water shallow in that part of the sea.

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My perspective is completely different. I have levitated my physical body over two feet upwards from my bed, while sitting in a cross-legged position and wearing a kilt – and the kilt lifted first. I touched the ceiling and came down.

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It wasn’t a miracle that caused me to do it, just a simple, mental technique. So I have faith that a Son of God like Jesus Christ can do that – and walking on water isn’t as big a deal as flying through the air.

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Words are symbols that give you an approximate idea of what happened. They are not the complete truth. For example, the Bible does not say the temperature of the water. Anybody can walk on ice.

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Nor does it say exactly where this took place, not the date and time.

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Photos are also approximations. For example, many photos on this website show the date and time, but photos depend on lighting and lighting changes (in this case, from the morning of the Saturday to the afternoon of the Sunday of the weekend seminar).

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Videos have similar problems. They don’t show everything that is, just a part of it, so they show a partial truth.

Thus, my Breath Testing says that, to me, the Bible is 60% true (believable) and the Gospel of Thomas (not in the Protestant Bible) is 80% true. That’s pretty high. Anything 80% or above I have faith in, not just belief.

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So I Breath Test each phrase, sentence or passage in the Bible for its percentage of truth. I invite you to do the same for the words in this website, and the photos.

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When you get Lower Belly Breathing that’s faith – 80% true. When you get Upper Belly Breathing that’s belief – 20%-80% true. In my perspective – my scale of trust – that’s not trustworthy enough.

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As well, the Bible has many words of wisdom. Jesus Christ said “Let those who have ears, hear.” In other words, it’s up to you to get the message that’s relevant to you.

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Some words you can have hope for – ones that have 20% truth. Some words you can believe in – ones that have 20%-80% truth. And some words you can have faith in – ones that have 80%-100% truth.

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So Breath Test each website page and find the information that you need at that time. For example, check out the page on fasting before you engage in a fast, and check with other websites too. This website doesn’t tell you everything about fasting – just some basics.

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Breath Test “This body needs to fast this week from Tuesday to Thursday”. Give it dates.

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Breath Test when and where to do it. You are then living closer to YOUR truth, which is not the same for others, and which is different for you at different times – when you need to fast and when you don’t.

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And when I say “Irisin (a hormone) worked well for me – to burn fat and stop overeating, especially to curb hunger when fasting” you may Breath Test and discover that it’s not for you, but that you need to open your irisin receptors.

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The same for constipation. I might need motilin receptors and you might need motilin, or another hormone. We’re all different, and we all change, so our needs change. THAT’S the value of Breath Testing, the most valuable breathing technique that you can master.